Resolving a disagreement
Disagreements are a normal and inevitable part of University life. Developing skills in effectively navigating your way through disagreements is essential. Whilst disagreements are normal and can be essential in bringing about change, deepening relationships and addressing issues of injustice, conflict can also be challenging to experience and can result in a breakdown in relationships.
LEAPS recommends a ‘respond not react’ approach to conflict:
- Listen to what the other person has to say, use active listening skills to understand how the other person is experiencing the situation. This allows the other person to express some of their feelings and ensures that you know why they feel the way they do.
- Empathise with the speaker, you don’t have to agree but the other person is more likely to be willing to listen to how you see the situation if you are willing to see their perspective.
- Ask open questions to obtain more information so you are more fully aware of the situation. Asking questions and listening to understand reduces the danger of assuming you understand why the other person holds their perspective.
- Paraphrase by reflecting what has been said into your own words, this will demonstrate you are listening and will allow you to check understanding. Asking questions in a respectful and curious manner can open up the dialogue to give the other person a chance to give you more details and explanations they may not have given you when they were feeling angry and defensive.
- Summarise a course of agreed action, you need to keep the person informed of what you are doing and explain what is within your power to resolve the situation.
Extract adapted from: George J. Thompson, Verbal Judo; The Gentle Art of Persuasion, Harper Collins, 2013.
If you have tried to resolve a disagreement on your own and would like some extra support, contact the Mediation Service on mediation@st-andrews.ac.uk for a confidential and informal chat.
Additional Resources:
- ‘Conflict Resolution: Move From Harmful to Healthy Conflict’ from Mind Tools.
- Managing Your Triggers Toolkit: A practice for being resilient in challenging circumstances. A series of articles, practical tools and suggestions for managing one’s emotional triggers
- Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In - Author: Roger Fisher, William Ury, Publisher: Random House Business Books (available from the University Library).